Why Your Child Has Tantrums and What You Can Actually Do About It?

Last Tuesday, my five-year-old completely lost it because I put too much peanut butter on her toast. Not too little. Too much. She threw herself on the kitchen floor, sobbing like the world had ended, while I stood there with a butter knife in my hand thinking, "It's just toast."

If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. About 70% of parents I talk to have experienced a meltdown that made absolutely no sense to them. Your child was fine a second ago, and now they're on the ground screaming about something that shouldn't matter this much.

The thing is, it does matter to them. And once I understood why, everything changed.

The Brain Behind the Meltdown

When my daughter lost it over the peanut butter, I did what I'd been doing for years: I tried to logic my way out of it. "It's just toast, sweetie. There's plenty of peanut butter." This usually made things worse.

That's because when a child is in full meltdown mode, their thinking brain has basically shut down. This isn't being dramatic. This is actual neuroscience.

Your child's brain has different parts that handle different things. The prefrontal cortex is the part that reasons, makes decisions, and controls impulses. It's also the part that's still developing throughout childhood. When a child gets overwhelmed—whether by big feelings, changes in routine, hunger, overstimulation, or even just a thick layer of peanut butter—their amygdala (the emotional part of the brain) takes over.

During a tantrum, your child literally cannot access the part of their brain that would normally listen to your reasoning. This isn't a choice. It's biology.

This is why telling a screaming toddler to "use your words" usually doesn't work. They can't access the words right now. Their system is flooded.

The good news? Knowing this changes everything about how you respond. Instead of getting frustrated because they won't listen to reason, you can help them calm down first. Once they're calm, the thinking brain comes back online and you can actually have a conversation.

What's Really Behind Most Tantrums

Before I had kids, I thought tantrums were about discipline. A parent lets their child get away with something, and that's why they act out. But that's only part of the picture.

Yes, sometimes it's about testing boundaries. But the majority of tantrums happen because of something else entirely:

1. Unmet Physical Needs

This is the one parents miss most often. A hungry or tired child cannot regulate their emotions well. It's not that they're being difficult—their brain literally doesn't have the resources to handle frustration.

I can't tell you how many meltdowns I've prevented just by offering a snack and water. Seriously. It's almost embarrassing how often this works.

2. Lack of Control

Children have very little control over their lives. Adults decide what time they wake up, what they eat, what they wear, where they go. For a child who's trying to figure out who they are and what they can influence, this can feel suffocating.

When my son was three, he would lose his mind about not getting to pick which shoe to put on first. Seemed ridiculous to me. But I realized he was developing a sense of autonomy. He needed to make choices.

Now I offer limited choices: "Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the green shirt?" Instead of fighting about what he wears, he gets to choose. He's happy, I'm happy, we get out the door.

3. Big Feelings They Can't Explain

A lot of tantrums are actually your child trying to process emotions they don't have words for yet. They're frustrated, overwhelmed, disappointed, or anxious, but they can't say that in words, so it comes out as a meltdown.

When my daughter couldn't handle the peanut butter situation, it wasn't really about the peanut butter. She was overtired from school, had a conflict with a friend, and felt like nobody understood her. The peanut butter was just the thing that tipped the cup over.

4. Transitions and Changes

Kids don't like being transitioned any more than you do. The difference is they handle it worse. Telling a child "Stop playing and get in the car now!" is basically asking them to instantly switch gears without any preparation. Their brain doesn't work that way yet.

What helps: Give warnings. "In 10 minutes we need to leave." Then "In 5 minutes we need to leave." Then "One more minute." This sounds annoying, but it actually saves time because you're not dealing with a meltdown.

5. Sensory Overload

You know how you feel awful when there's too much noise, too many people, or you're too hot or uncomfortable? Kids feel it more intensely. A busy grocery store might feel okay to you but absolutely overwhelming to your child.

From a parent we know:

"I used to think my son was being a brat at the grocery store. Turns out he was overwhelmed by the fluorescent lights, the noise, all the stimulation. When we started going early in the morning or shopping online, it completely changed. No more meltdowns."

What Usually Makes Things Worse

I'm going to be honest here: a lot of the parenting advice we give ourselves actually makes tantrums worse.

Telling Them to Calm Down

This is the big one. You cannot think your way out of a panic attack. And your overwhelmed child cannot "just calm down" just like you couldn't if someone told you to "just calm down" while you were panicking. It actually makes it worse because now they're frustrated that they can't do what you're asking, plus all their original feelings.

Using Shame

"You're being a baby." "Big kids don't cry." "Stop embarrassing me." These statements might feel like they'll motivate your child to behave better. In reality, they teach shame about their emotions. And kids who grow up feeling ashamed of their feelings either shut down emotionally or explode more often.

Ignoring the Feelings

Sometimes we want to skip the emotion part and just get to the solution. "Don't be sad, we'll get ice cream tomorrow." But your child needs to feel heard first. They need to know their feelings matter.

Being Punitive

Punishing a child for having a tantrum is like punishing them for sneezing. They didn't choose to have a meltdown. It happened because they were overwhelmed. Punishing it teaches them that emotions are dangerous and should be hidden, not that tantrums were wrong.

The Key Shift

Instead of thinking "How do I stop this tantrum?" think "What does my child need right now?"

Sometimes they need comfort. Sometimes they need space. Sometimes they need help calming their nervous system. But they never need shame or punishment.

What Actually Works

After years of trial and error (and reading a lot of parenting books), here's what I've found actually makes a difference:

Prevent When You Can

This is the easiest part but we often miss it. Most tantrums can be prevented by:

• Making sure your child has eaten recently (seriously, this is huge)

• Making sure they're getting enough sleep

• Giving them warning before transitions

• Reducing overstimulation when possible

• Giving them choices within what you'll accept

When It's Happening, Stay Calm

Your calm is contagious. Your panic is contagious too. If you can stay regulated, your child has a better chance of regulating.

This is harder than it sounds, especially if it's the fifth meltdown that day. But it makes such a difference.

Validate the Feeling

"I see that you're really upset." Not "That's not something to be upset about." Just name what you see. This alone can help a child calm down because they feel understood.

Help Them Calm Their Body

Deep breathing, lying on the ground, pressing into a pillow, getting under a blanket—whatever helps their nervous system settle down. Different kids need different things.

Once They're Calm, Connect and Problem-Solve

Once their thinking brain is back online, you can talk about what happened and what they could do differently next time. This is when actual learning happens.

What changed for me:

"When I finally stopped trying to 'fix' the tantrum and just let my daughter cry while I sat with her, everything shifted. She calmed down faster. And when she was calm, we could actually talk about it. I realized she wasn't being defiant—she was just overwhelmed and needed help."

The Long Game

Here's the thing about tantrums: they're not really the problem you're trying to solve. What you're actually doing is teaching your child how to manage emotions.

Kids who learn that their feelings are valid, that emotions are manageable, and that they can get through hard moments without losing connection with their parents grow up to be more resilient. They have better relationships. They handle stress better.

The way you respond to tantrums right now is literally shaping how your child will handle emotions for the rest of their life.

That's not pressure (okay, maybe a little). But it's also empowering. Because it means you're not trying to control their behavior. You're teaching them emotional regulation. And that's something that will help them forever.

A Note to the Exhausted Parent

If you're reading this and feeling guilty because you've yelled, you've punished, you've done all the things I just said not to do—I want you to know: you're not a bad parent.

We do our best with the tools we have. I yelled at my kids plenty before I understood how tantrums actually work. That didn't make me a failure. It made me human.

What matters is that you're here, reading about this, trying to understand better. That's what makes a good parent.

Tomorrow you get to try again. And the day after that. And every day, you have the chance to respond differently. To be the calm presence your child needs. To teach them that emotions are okay and they're not alone in them.

That's really powerful.